This Space

A Poem in Three Parts

Part #2

There is this space filled with intention.
My intention.
To be able to release what is not mine. 
What belongs to others. 
What energy, emotions, thoughts;
where do they stop and I begin?

In this space I hear a familiar voice.
Like a scratched record
enveloping my shadow child,
small and afraid
the sound of the words
“you aren’t as good as…”
falls from the lips of my mother
directed at that child,
“…so don’t be disappointed if…” 
Her self-hatred
Her lack of confidence
running into mine
mine into hers.

In this space.

In this space the lines of what she is and what is me become blurred.
And although the voice is much quieter
these 5 + decades later,
I hear, still, now and again,
the faint melody of that scratched record. 

In this space.

In this space from that place,
I unconsciously choose to respond from that shadow girl’s story. 
A story that is really not hers. 
A story that is her mother’s.
A story unconsciously chosen.
A story that is my mother’s mother’s.
A story of pain, inadequacy and self-hate.
A story that they are never enough.

In this space.

In this space, from that place, I choose to try to
To make things happy
to fit in
I try to be her savior,
the understanding one,
the giver of love,
time,
space.
I am desperate to hear
I am the best,
I am good enough, a winner.
I am good enough. 

In this space

I am enough.

Stay Tuned, Tomorrow,  Part #3