Sailing along on the long delicate cord
That holds my soul
Forever it would seem,
To a place in my past
A place where I was alone
The only grownup
My shadow girl terrified
Not able to rescue the
Small infant screaming
Into the night.
My soul child calls
Broken in despair
And once again I am
Tumbled back across the decades
The hours the minutes the seconds
To the blackness of a night
Long ago.
Useless were my attempts
To calm that suffering child
Whose light filled the daytime hours
Smiles and tousled hair
Bright brown eyes twinkling
I held the knowledge deeply
Tucked between my heart and soul.
I am useless still as the tsunami
Of sadness, anger and grief
Envelope me yet again
Filling my lungs with the sticky
Mass of emotion
So heavy that I must
Remind myself to
Breathe.
It is the baby that is hurting
Inside what is now a man
My brain hurts as it adjusts
The image to the tattooed
Man he has become
While I remain useless
Feeling the strong pull
Of the cords that bind me
To the shame of not
Being the perfect mom
Needing to fix and protect,
Perhaps, through lives past,
Along with this journey
We find ourselves on.
Maybe that cord cannot
Be totally severed
Maybe the sadness
Choking my heart will come
And go as our lives
Continue to cross.
I have nothing.
I know not a thing
Except how can I leave
My baby in the care
Of this man?
Pause: The Space In-between 