Heart Strings

Sailing along on the long delicate cord
That holds my soul
Forever it would seem,
To a place in my past 
A place where I was alone
The only grownup
My shadow girl terrified 
Not able to rescue the 
Small infant screaming 
Into the night.

My soul child calls
Broken in despair
And once again I am 
Tumbled back across the decades
The hours the minutes the seconds 
To the blackness of a night 
Long ago.

Useless were my attempts
To calm that suffering child
Whose light filled the daytime hours
Smiles and tousled hair
Bright brown eyes twinkling
I held the knowledge deeply
Tucked between my heart and soul.
I am useless still as the tsunami
Of sadness, anger and grief 
Envelope me yet again 
Filling my lungs with the sticky
Mass of emotion
So heavy that I must 
Remind myself to 
Breathe.  

It is the baby that is hurting
Inside what is now a man
My brain hurts as it adjusts
The image to the tattooed 
Man he has become
While I remain useless 
Feeling the strong pull
Of the cords that bind me
To the shame of not 
Being the perfect mom
Needing to fix and protect, 
Perhaps, through lives past,
Along with this journey 
We find ourselves on.

Maybe that cord cannot
Be totally severed
Maybe the sadness 
Choking my heart will come 
And go as our lives
Continue to cross.
I have nothing.
I know not a thing
Except how can I leave 
My baby in the care
Of this man?